Almost 4.

4 seems so much bigger than 3. As she masters more skills and takes pride in her independence, there is a feeling of relief and panic mixed in one. Relief that she doesn't need me to do everything for her, but panic because like water, the childhood is running through my fingers.
I always wanted 3 kids. And there she was. She is nothing like her older sisters. She is spirited. She is unpredictable. To be honest, she has been the one that has most frequently challenged my patience and made me question my ability as a mother.
But perhaps because of her, I will be more patient. I will be more accepting of the unexpected. She will make me a better mother.

Ironic.

Mismatched socks. Fairy wings. A pair of silver mary janes. She takes me by the hand to shows me the world through so much innocence and excitement.

"Look mommy, Robins!"

"I love these flowers, mommy!"

"Worms!!!"
The world is a beautiful place through the eyes of a toddler.
This past year, two of our good friends became very ill. Tori was the one to pray for them. Everyday. Every chance she's got. She said some profound things in her prayers. We saw miracles and they are now healed and well.
It is a beautiful thing to watch your childen make this world a better place by just being who they are. I hope my eyes are open to see it, instead of focusing on the troubles and inconveniences.

I think tomorrow, we will walk to the park and I will push her on a swing high up in the air to hear her belly giggles.

Spring--Here to Stay!?

Yesterday, I finally went outside with my camera in search of spring. It's been a very long winter. The last few months, I have been in survival mode. Not the best place to be. I am glad spring is here. Mosquitos are terrible, but I hope to get outside as much as I can. Renewed desire to live with a heart full of joy and excitement for life. Life is beautiful. I am glad that being a mother forces me to slow down, helping me appreciate beauty of life which goes so often unnoticed.

Dogs

My friends' dog is dying. This particular dog has been a part of our family for several years now. 'Zippy' would come stay with us when his owners were away. I personally had never had a close encounter with border collies until I met Zippy. I always found his neuroticism rather entertaining. Zippy is such a 'homebody' he hated being away from his home and owners. He pouted and went on hunger strikes when he came to my house. Once I found him sitting up on Maya's bed with his snout pressed into the corner of the wall.....pouting. He has this uncontrollable urge to howl at the train. He loved chasing bubbles. Eventually, he accepted us. We loved having him around. When we got the word that he has aggressive cancer, we went over to say 'good-bye' to him as a family. Today, he will go to doggie heaven. I asked my friend, "is it weird to choose when he will go?"--playing 'god'.....strange.

When I was a child, the only thing I ever wanted was a dog. We finally got our first dog when I turned 15--a female Golden Retriever. She died when she was 2 years old. Poisoned from eating the grass saturated in pesticides. There were several dogs in the neighborhood that died from the same thing that year. The city neglected to inform the residents when they sprayed the weeds around town. I went to see my friends while my parents went to retrieve her lifeless body from the vet....to avoid it altogether. I was a teenager who did not know how to express my feelings. By the time I returned home, she had been cremated and gone. I never got the chance to say good-bye. My mom told me how she cut all the flowers from her garden to put around her in the box she was laying in. The regret I felt that day has been with me for a long time. Watching Zippy struggle to his feet to greet me brought it all back.

Silent and loyal. You are their whole world. Dogs spend most of their life waiting for us to come home. They shower us with unconditional love and teach us what it means to be alive.

I woke up with a knot in my stomach. Today is the day. I know he wasn't our dog, but he was a big part of our lives. We will miss him. My girls cried when I told them about the cancer. I cried as I listened to my friend talk about how he plans to say good bye. I am glad Zippy will not be in pain anymore. Please do not argue with me whether dogs go to heaven or not right now. I know heaven is a beautiful place, but why is it so difficult and painful? I try to imagine Zippy running towards the sunset through heaven's meadow filled with flowers. It's beautiful. Rest in Peace, Zippy. It's been a wonderful adventure. I'm glad we became friends.

Lately

During the month of March into April, I have been consumed with "Guys and Dolls". I have *reluctantly* jumped into the world of community theatre. 3 months ago, when the director asked me if I would consider taking a part in this production, my reaction was "theatre isn't my thing, I have never acted before". Now I love it. I have a small role as one of the hotbox dancers. It's a fun role. We get to act all giddy and sassy. We get to sing and dance. I don't have any speaking part, so it's a good way to get introduced to the world of community theatre. I have been getting to know some great people which has been fun as well.

We have just finished one week of performances which have been well received and fun to perform. At the same time though, sacrifices had to be made by my family. I am forever thankful for the understanding and the patience Scott and girls shower me with daily. I do not think I have heard one word of complaint from them. Instead, they are excited for me and they are my biggest fans. It's like this. Scott comes home and we may have 5 minutes of exchanging few words and I head out, I come home after 11:00pm and by then everyone is in bed. Scott is off to work early so I usually don't get to see him in the morning. In times like this, I am reminded of what an amazing man he is and how strong our marriage has become over the years. Last week, he called me before coming home to ask me just this, "what can I do when I get home?" On this particular day, he had been working since 5:00am. He never makes me feel bad about coming home late or being away all the time, which puts my heart at ease and I am able to enjoy what I do. I hope I can be like that also. To encourage and to be supportive of all that Scott does. I was thrilled to be able to send Scott on a little trip today. Some good friends were going away to the nearby city to check out a motorcycle swap. So, I talked the guys into inviting Scott to come along. He was thrilled.

I love it when Scott and I are willing to sacrifice our needs for the sake of the other. We are willing to cover for each other instead of pointing fingers at each other. No blame shifting game. I thought we were best friends when we married, but after almost 15 years, it just keeps getting better. How can that be? I am grateful. I never thought it possible to love someone as much as I love my man friend.

Beautiful People

I have not looked at these photos in a very long time. These pictures are almost 20 years old. I have not told the story of how it all began -- how I fell in love with these beautiful people.

My mother's younger sister, my aunt Yoshiko has developmental disabilities. I do not know all the details of what her disability is or how she became disabled. Growing up, we used to go visit my grandma twice a year. I did not know how to interact with my aunt. Fear of unknown, perhaps. Different. Was I scared? No, I don't think so. My aunt is the most gentle person. But I remember this awkwardness. I knew I was to be kind to her, but didn't know how. My aunt does not speak. She makes these grunting noises. As far as I know, she never went to school. I have never seen her leave the house. She wore diapers.
When I was in college, I decided to spend two summers working at Upward Bound Camp in Oregon State. It is a camp for persons with special needs. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I knew I was supposed to be there. Knowing that I was supposed to be there did not make it any easier for me. Many times, I wanted to quit. But this is where I fell in love with these beautiful people. People who live with developmental and physical disabilities. The work was hard. Majorities of our tasks were looking after the campers' daily physical needs, such as hygiene, medication and assisting them with their meals. It was while changing soiled diapers of a grown woman and holding a drool covered hand of a man, I saw my pride. Filthy pride....but they showed me what love was. They did not judge me. We became friends and made wonderful memories together. We went fishing and hiking together. We skipped rocks in the river.

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action."
-Mother Teresa-

Here I am almost 20 years later, I am beginning to understand the meaning of the mother Teresa quote. I work with individuals with developmental disabilities in my community now. "Making Room"....this is what I am hired to do. Community inclusion. Giving them the best possible quality of life. Helping them find their gifts and abilities. Helping them fulfill their dreams.

I know it wasn't my aunt's fault that she never went out. There was no room in the community. The society doesn't want to acknowledge their existence. The society doesn't know what to do with them. In many countries, these people are sent away to orphanages and institutions to die.

What if my aunt had the chance to go to school and learn to read and to write? What if she had the chance to go fishing and go camping? What if someone had taken the time to find out what her dreams were and helped her fulfill them? I know my grandma loved her. I know my mother loved her. But what if.....

Things are so much better now here in Canada. There are programs, supports, organizations available to help individuals with disabilities have the quality of life they deserve. But I want to ask each of us to look into our hearts. Be honest. When we see a person with disabilities, what is in your heart? Do we pity them? Ignore them? Judge them? Avoid them? Are we uncomfortable? Programs alone aren't going to give them the best life possible. They need a community around them. People who will support them and help them achieve their dreams. They need friends just as we need friends. Will you be that person to someone with disability?

Today is World Down Syndrome Day. This is a day set aside to promote awareness and understanding towards people with Down Syndrome. I am asking myself, "what tangible things can I do to seek a better quality of life for individuals with Down Syndrome (or any other disabilities) in my life?" --Even if I was not hired to do so. And what motivates me to do this? I do not want to be motivated by pride or pity. I do not do this because it makes me feel better about myself. If that's what motivates me, I might as well just go home and forget about it. It isn't something 'special' we are doing. We do this because we are all humans.

A small gesture. Kind words. Making room in your life. It means the world to them when your actions are motivated by love. And I promise you, you will be blessed and changed forever.

Please take a moment to read this post by my friend Krista. As a part of World Down Syndrome Day, she is asking us to give towards adoption grant (through Reese's Rainbow) for a little boy named Bennett. Reese's Rainbow is an organization which promotes and provides support for international adoption of children with Down Syndrome. I have decided to support Krista's effort by giving away some of my handmade bags as incentives for you to give. PLEASE check it out and consider giving.

Learning

You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives.

~Clay P. Bedford

Sometimes, we must tell ourselves to slow down and look around. Listen to each other and talk. We are in such a hurry all the time.

During the month of February, our little town has been the sanctuary for Bohemian Waxwings. They are beautiful creatures. We have a bit of obsession about birds. If you didn't know, you may have just dismissed them or not even notice these beautiful birds. My girls and I took some time chasing them around town. One day, these birds decided to have a party in my front yard. They were there all day and we were able to get some photos and we took a look at them in the bird book. Maya is hoping to draw a picture of them. Now we know there are three different kinds of Waxwings. We have seen two of them. The last one being Japanese Waxwings, which we are quite certain, are the coolest of them all. ;)

Mona asked me one day, "Mom, where does the sidewalk end?" I didn't really know what she meant. I asked her to explain. She went into this elaborate story about what may be at the end of sidewalk. She thought perhaps it may end in Africa. I love her curiosity and imagination. So, I shared with her the poem "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein. According to the poem, we can find "the moon-bird rests from his flight to cool in the peppermint wind" at the end of sidewalk. Mona was beaming as she heard this. "What is a moon-bird?" "What does peppermint wind feel like?" Another opportunity for some learning and to stretch our imagination.

I believe that the learning becomes fun and meaningful when the information is absorbed within the context of real life. Some of my favorite moments with my girls have been like that. We may be cooking dinner together, weeding and watering the garden, or sitting on the hood of the car looking at the constellation. It doesn't have to be complicated. If we take the time to look around, we would find that the opportunities are plentiful.

The Last Few Days

We had the Scrabble tiles out the other day and my older girls were just spelling some words. Tori got in there and started lining up letters too. She'd try to name letters which of course, were all wrong. Then I thought, "I wonder if she can recognize letters for real?" So, I got a piece of paper and spelled her name out for her: "T-O-R-I". I asked her if she could pick out these letters out of Scrabble tiles. She did it at the first try. WOW. She then proceeded to write her name down. "R" was a bit tricky, but she did it. It became a game and she did this over and over for 2 days. Delighted. Then she wanted to know how to spell other names. Her sisters, parents and friends.

What I loved about that particular moment was that learning happened by Tori guiding herself. I didn't sit her down to teach her. Tori was in charge. She wanted to learn and she was ready and I was able to catch her in that moment when her curiosity met the learning opportunity. It was so natural and delightful.

These moments are like fuel. They encourage me and affirm me in my abilities as a mother and give me that little push to keep on parenting these sweet little people in my life. Parenting is delightful, but it can be rather mundane and exhausting....both mentally and physically.
My girls had 4 days off from school this week. I asked them to make a list of things they wanted to do during that time. We tried our best to get lots of things from the list accomplished. As parents, we dictate so much of their little life. They have so little say in what they may want to do. I am learning that in a safe environment of our home, we can slowly give them the opportunity to be in charge.

Mona wanted to cook dinner. She chose to make soup and biscuits. She cut the biscuits out with a heart-shaped cutter. Maya found a recipe for a cheese cake in one of her novels. She copied the recipe, got all the ingredients from the store and pretty much made the cake from start to finish all by herself. She surprised her dad with the cake because his birthday is coming up in a week. The cake was delicious!! She wanted to invite a friend over for a sleepover. They all wanted to spend their money at the book store, so we ventured out in the cold and we were glad we got out of the house. They all wanted "rag-curls".

When given the opportunity to choose and to be in charge, I saw my girls come alive. They got along better with each other and we all had lots of fun. They were so pleased and proud of what they had accomplished. A few things didn't get done, but perhaps, we will put that on the list for the next weekend.

Going Fancy

I don't get out much. I don't say this grudgingly. It's just a fact. Circumstances don't allow it and for the most part, I am okay with that. It's the circumstances brought on by the choices we made....like living in a small town, having kids and all that. So when I get to go out, it's very special and very memorable. The last Saturday was one of those. Very Special.

We celebrated two of our good friends' birthdays in Calgary at River Cafe. If you are familiar with Calgary, it is located in the Prince's Island Park. I've walked by there several times checking out the menu outside, but have never actually been there. It's pretty fancy and expensive. We left the children behind in care of some loving friends, put on some 'fancy' clothes to meet our friends. For me, sharing good food with people who know and appreciate it is one of the most satisfying experiences.

When I go to fancy places, I am reminded how un-fancy I am. I try to put on my best behavior but something always goes wrong to reveal my true color. I mean I was raised well, I think. When I meet my parents' friends and colleagues, I sometimes have to put on my fancy self. But maybe just maybe, it's okay to be who I really am. Actually, I am okay with my non-fancy self. It's real and it's way more fun to be real. No pretense. But it's funny how 'fancy occasions' make us think we should act differently. It's a trap I don't want to get caught in.

Once, some friends treated us to a night in a hotel. I don't own suitcases. I have some good travel bags, but honestly, since I don't travel on airplanes much, I prefer to travel with laundry baskets. When we got to the hotel, it was definitely fancier than I thought. Men in smart uniforms came to assist us to our room. "um...no thanks. I can manage".

So, back at the River Cafe. We were greeted by a gal taking our coats and other courteous staff. Our friends are by the rustic fire place starting the evening with a glass of viognier. It went down nicely as our anticipation of the wonderful evening unfolded. We were there to catch their early bird special. Our appetizer was Red Lentil Hummus served with warm flat bread, preserved tomatoes and roasted garlic. I liked it almost better than the traditional hummus made with chickpeas. For our entree, we had the choice of Steelhead Trout with Roasted Heirloom carrots, purple potato Creme Fraiche Croquette, cider cured Salmon Caviar or Hanger Steak served with Walnut Spaetzle and parsnip Puree. I chose the trout, and the steak for Scott, so we can share. Our pleasant waiter, always serving the ladies first, of course, said to me, "ma'am, would you like still water or sparkling water this evening?" "ummm.....can I just have some plain water?" "Sure, ma'am. how about some still water then". After I exhaled the sigh of relief that I was able to order water, my friends nonchalantly told the waiter, "I will have still water please".....AS IF they have always called it "still water". ALL OF THEM! We laughed so hard about that.

The dinner was simply amazing. Great company. Good wine. Two and half hours of pure joy. Every bite was savored. I love eating with my 'foodie friends', because we eat good food and we talk about some other good food at the same time. I dream of traveling. Traveling just to discover good food all over the world. There is so much I have not seen or tasted. This evening gave me a little glimpse of what that might be like. Traveling with like-minded friends, savoring every bite, every moment, the conversation and the friendship. Sounds like it would make a good book, even a movie. We decided to call it, "Eat, Eat, Eat", instead of "Eat, Pray, Love".

Of course, I would like to insert a giant disclaimer here by saying good food does not have to be fancy. In fact, so much of the good food I have experienced thus far have been very simple. It was prepared with much thought and care, with fresh, good ingredients. Not complicated at all. Most importantly, good food must be enjoyed with good company. That is a must. Eating alone is almost never fun....for me, at least. I would rather share a glass of cheap wine with a good friend than eating a five-course gourmet meal alone. I have had some amazing food from humble food stands on street corners or on a patio at friends' backyard on a lazy summer evening.

As the evening went on, we saw more people filling the restaurant. Lots of fur coats and kisses on the cheeks to greet each other. Real fancy people. I wondered if they came here often. Probably so. I was happy and content. Not envious. I love my simple and not-so-fancy life. I don't want a fur coat. I have been in situations where I had to kiss people on cheeks to greet them. I was very awkward. I am okay with not knowing what "still water" is. The evening was epic, and I'd love to eat there again one day.....but I want to wait long enough so that every moment of the evening become memorable just like it was last Saturday.

If you are interested in seeing some photos and a different perspective of the evening, check out this post by my friend, Krista.

Children and Food

I have three remarkably good eaters. They love all sorts of food. I am very proud of them and it is fun to take them out or to cook with them. However this did not come so easily. I am always disgusted when I go to restaurants and children's menus consist of chicken fingers and fries, cheese pizzas and ice cream. Where is the green stuff, I ask. Children do not like green stuff. Well, that is not true. My girls love the green stuff. My girls love olives and broccoli. My girls know what lentils are. Sushi, salmon, scallops, curry and spanakopita!! Quinoa burgers, lox on bagels and Calamari! Adults assume that children only eat chicken fingers. ugh.

Many years ago, I worked at a coffee shop. I remember this one customer. A grandmother taking her 5-yr-old grand daughter out for ice cream. The grandma said "which kind would you like?" The little girl hesitated. So many kinds to choose from! They asked me what was good. I told them if you like something fruity, try the raspberry sorbet. It's so good. I offered a sample. The little girl seemed interested. The grandmother turned up her nose and said "you wouldn't like it, dear. It isn't ice cream". and went on to order black cherry ice cream. The little girl didn't even get to choose!!

I realized it's so easy to do that though. Not just about the food, but all aspects of my interaction with my children. I must be careful to let them feel the freedom to choose, not making them feel like they need my approval.

Here are a couple of things I have enforced regarding food and my children. First, they are not allowed to say 'yuck'. They may tell me they didn't like something, but never 'yuck'. I find that to be very disrespectful to the person who cooked the food. They must try everything that have been offered. I encourage them not to write off any food they didn't like. I keep offering it to them and my kids have grown to love some food they didn't like when they were smaller. For example, Maya did not like avocados as a baby. Now she can't get enough. She has also recently learn to love hummus, but she is still working on rice crackers. She would say once in a while that she would like to try a little to see if her taste has changed. Bless her heart. I do not cater to them when I cook. What they see is what's for dinner. Also, I am always looking for ways to make our meals healthier and more economical. For instance, we stopped putting meat on our homemade pizzas. I made them vegetarian one day and asked them if they had missed the meat. Unanimous "No". Now, we only make vegetarian pizzas, and do you know what we put on our pizzas? Roasted garlic, spinach, red peppers, greek olives, mushrooms, onions, sun-dried tomatoes, fresh tomatoes and basil (In summer) and mozzarella cheese on homemade whole wheat crust. Go figure.

It's fun to share different food experiences with my children. We especially enjoy Ethnic food. We also have many dear friends who are vegetarians or have some dietary restrictions. We love sharing food with our friends. I am glad to say I don't have to wonder if there is going to be anything my kids can eat when we go out somewhere.

We all have different priorities and parenting styles. I am aware that this is not a huge priority in many families. It is something I felt was important for my family and chose to 'pick this battle'. For me it has been well worth it.

Felting

Right now, the biggest rage amongst young mothers in a small prairie town is felting. I started felting a few years back (just to be clear and to brag) but have only made a few little things thus far. These ladies are on fire. Holy Toledo!! There are field trips, morning coffee while felting and evening felting parties. So, frantically, I made this little thing. I must say, it looks pretty darn good.

Comfort Food

Mona has been sick this week. She slept for two days with a trip to the emergency room for X-Ray and a prescription for antibiotics and an inhaler. A touch of Pneumonia. She hardly ate any food. It was hard to get her to even drink water. On the third day, she perked up a little. She said, "Mommy, can you make me some rice balls and miso soup?" Yes. Yes, I will. She gobbled up 3 rice balls and a bowl of miso soup.

Rice Balls (Onigiri) and miso soup are the ultimate comfort food for us Japanese folks. I don't know why they are so good though. I mean, they are just balls of rice that are salted a little and wrapped in a sheet of seaweed. That is it. It makes me smile that my girls ask for them when they are unwell or had been away from home for a while. Scott and I used to have our "East Meets West" meals every now and then when we craved our comfort foods. Mostly grilled cheese for Scott and rice balls for me. It looks like I won all my girls over in Comfort Food Department. ;)

I had conversations with friends about comfort food. I think it's safe to say comfort food is often something we had as a child, the symbols of our childhood. Something warm and usually starchy and not too healthy ;) but oh so good.

So, about these Onigiri's, the elite Onigiri's are triangle shaped. I don't know why or who decided that, but it just is. My mom always made round ones though, so I grew up with Onigiri envy....until my dear grandma taught me how to make triangle ones. We made them together to bring along on our hike. Even now, when my girls ask for Onigiri's, I make them into triangles. It's funny how such a small event so long ago still stays with me.

What's your comfort food?

The Weekend

When I was 18 years old, a good friend gave me a cassette. It was titled "Dream" by Tuck & Patti. I had never heard of them, but quickly fell in love with Patti's soulful and warm voice and Tuck's amazing world class jazz guitar. I still have that cassette, occasionally playing it thinking about my friend. I don't know where she is now. Over the years, I have acquired two of their CD's. Their music became 'home', something I can always come back to, something solid and comforting.

I like live music. Music has been a huge part of my life, however, I don't like huge stadium concerts with screaming fans. I like more intimate settings like Jazz clubs and live music in coffee shops, so I don't make it a habit to go see concerts much. Long story short, I had the opportunity to go to Tuck & Patti concert this weekend, 20 years after my friend gave me the cassette. It was a 'date' with my good friend Jodi, whom I had not seen in over a year.

As soon as we arrived at Festival Place in Sherwood Park, AB., we noticed we were probably the youngest people there. Made us giggle a little. :) Lots of 'older' men in black turtle necks and ladies in flow-y dresses. The hall was small and intimate. We liked it right away. As we fumbled through the dimly lit hall to find out seats, we spotted an old Hammond Organ with a Leslie Amplifier and speaker, a nice set up for the opening band, Dave Babcock trio from Edmonton. The evening's MC was Lark Clark from CKUA radio (which happens to be my favorite radio station)-- a community supported radio here in Alberta. It was a perfect setup. The two and half hour went by quickly. It was delightful and surreal. After waiting for 20 years to hear them live, it felt so 'normal' to be there, and yet so exciting. I held my breath as I sat on the edge of my seat as Tuck played "Europa", (take a look at the video above). It made me smile when Patti took off her uncomfortable high heels on stage and sang "High Heel Blues" and showed off her scat singing.

It boggles my mind that so few people know about them. They are considered one of the world's best jazz duo. But I like it that they are so understated and they don't seem to care about fame. Their setup was so simple. A small table with water bottles and towels. There was no CD's for sale. Their tour schedule take them all over the world. Japan, Italy, USA, mostly in small venues. I realized people who come to hear Tuck & Patti truly appreciate their talent. They don't need all the flashing lights and screaming fans to know they are good. They don't need loud speakers, because people come to listen. To really listen, because they are really that good. I like that. Unpretentious and real. Instead of spending their energy of becoming 'famous', they focus on improving their skills. A hidden treasure. It's like one of those amazing little out-of-the-way restaurant only locals know about. When Tuck finished the song "Europa", the audience sat quietly for about 3 seconds before we started clapping because we were so taken by his magic, the way he made his guitar sing by letting his ten fingers gracefully dance on it. No effects, no flashing lights. I think there is definitely something to learn from that, even for me. To put our whole heart into doing what we love, not caring so much about what others think, pursuing excellence quietly-- believing in what we do.

Putting it Away

Christmas has been officially put away for another year. I love my vintage glass ornaments all piled up in a box. This year, I am please to report that we did not break a single ornament. That is a record on its own. With two dog tails and six curious hands, we usually break at least 5 ornaments every year. Another sign that my girls are growing up. After making doubly and triply sure that there was no ornament left on the tree, I chucked my tree out the front door with glee. I may have even giggled a little. Scott saw the tree laying on our front lawn and walked in the house laughing, wishing that he could see me throwing it. I usually let Scott do the honor, but I figured after taking nearly 5 hours to put away Christmas, I cannot possibly let him do the most fun part. :) I do not want you to worry though. I am not turning into some trashy garbage in the front lawn kind of a lady. There is a Christmas tree pick-up service the town provides and they are going to burn them at the camp ground along with some fireworks and hay ride as a winter entertainment this weekend.

Several years ago, I started writing our Christmas memories on a spare Christmas card from that year to save them. I added girls' letters to santa and 'his' reply. Now, I have a nice collection of sweet cards and memories. So, I took a moment to do that again this year. It's my way of counting the blessings. I had printed my girls' art work to make them into cards along with some photos. I wrote down meals we shared with some dear friends, old and new. We had a delightful time celebrating Christmas. Opening presents and lighting Advent candles. Caroling in the hospital, skating and sledding. Hay ride and phone calls from loved ones.

We shared a lovely evening celebrating Epiphany (three kings day) with one of our lovely new friends. Our girls dressed up like the three kings and we made up 3 small packages to bring. Our friends and their darling girls prepared a feast and helped us learn about The Epiphany, singing and a game to find the missing wisemen, which we all enjoyed. I cherish those simple little moments where I feel connected with my girls, sharing in the joy of acquiring knowledge and trying something new.

Looking back at this year, we are reminded over and over that friends and family are the blessings of this finite life. Sometimes, not having family close by can get lonely especially around holidays. I have mentioned in my blog before how I used to have temper tantrums around Christmas.

Well, I am happy to tell you those days are over now.

A New Chapter

Tori started Preschool last week. She is so excited. I too am very excited. The first day I dropped her off, I came home and sat in the car for a few minutes. I exhaled deeply and dialed Scott's cell phone number, "Hey, do you wanna go for breakfast?" I knew he couldn't. I wasn't disappointed. He laughed. I knew that he knew why I called. We laughed together. For the first time in nearly 10 years, I will have a moment to myself. Guilt free.

On one hand, I grieve the fact my kids are growing up, but on the other hand, I rejoice the fact they are growing up. I loved those early years of finger painting and mashed carrots. I loved my girls as newborns. I cried when my oldest started kindergarten. I loved those magical years of innocent wonder. I am not quite done with those years yet, but I can see that it is soon going to end. I can see that those sleepless nights are over. No more diapers.

I will still kiss my girls better and will still cuddle with them to read together, but it feels like we are entering a new phase. A new chapter. I have joined a choir and will be participating in a play (a small role in Guys and Dolls). I have been able to sew more. My girls will need me in very different ways now. We talk about friendships, faith, and choices they make. Our discussions are about more complex things. I enjoy seeing different strength develop in each one and to encourage in the things they are good at. I am amazed and proud when I see my girls making good choices. So proud and yet humbled. They are growing up with amazing characters in spite of me and my mistakes.

There are many things I want to do with those precious two and a half hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I would like to read more, sew more, paint more, write more.....but I know I probably shouldn't be too ambitious. I will probably vacuum the house and do the dishes. And that is okay. I will do that gladly. Right now, even to be able to vacuum alone is a treat. It's the quietness of the heart that I appreciate. It doesn't matter what I am doing. I hope that this will enable me to be a better mother also.

Me and Myself and I

*The Picture is of my friend Paula and I on my birthday this year. I requested a "Tacky Tourist Hike" with some of my girlfriends, and we were very successful at it. :)

I was rather awkward and shy in my early twenties. I don't think I knew who I really was, and cared too much about what others thought. Wasn't very good at small talks, but had the superpower of being invisible at social gatherings. A few years later, under a different circumstance, I had the chance to hang out with a friend I went to college with but never had the chance to get to know back in college. One evening, we were taking a drive out to watch a play together, he said to me, "If I had known that you were so much fun back in college, I am sure we would have hung out so much more back then". That really was a turning point in my life. I was so insecure back then, but what he said to me helped me realize that I have lots to offer. That was almost 15 years ago. Now, in my late 30's, I can honestly say I am at peace with who I am. I am completely a different person than I was then and yet so much the same. I tell my friends now that if they had met me 15 years ago, they probably wouldn't have liked me. :) I am growing and learning so much about myself and how I fit into my little corner of the world. This makes me very optimistic about the years ahead. I look forward to growing and changing. I look forward to meeting more people and deepening the friendships I treasure now. Life is so great, I remember thinking, that I got it all figured out, but my goodness, how wrong I was! When I am old, I still want to try something new, try new food, and skip rocks in the river, I want to get to know young people, I want to take ballroom dance lessons in my 60's or even 70's! Life is sweet, and I don't want to miss a thing.