Tori started Preschool last week. She is so excited. I too am very excited. The first day I dropped her off, I came home and sat in the car for a few minutes. I exhaled deeply and dialed Scott's cell phone number, "Hey, do you wanna go for breakfast?" I knew he couldn't. I wasn't disappointed. He laughed. I knew that he knew why I called. We laughed together. For the first time in nearly 10 years, I will have a moment to myself. Guilt free.
On one hand, I grieve the fact my kids are growing up, but on the other hand, I rejoice the fact they are growing up. I loved those early years of finger painting and mashed carrots. I loved my girls as newborns. I cried when my oldest started kindergarten. I loved those magical years of innocent wonder. I am not quite done with those years yet, but I can see that it is soon going to end. I can see that those sleepless nights are over. No more diapers.
I will still kiss my girls better and will still cuddle with them to read together, but it feels like we are entering a new phase. A new chapter. I have joined a choir and will be participating in a play (a small role in Guys and Dolls). I have been able to sew more. My girls will need me in very different ways now. We talk about friendships, faith, and choices they make. Our discussions are about more complex things. I enjoy seeing different strength develop in each one and to encourage in the things they are good at. I am amazed and proud when I see my girls making good choices. So proud and yet humbled. They are growing up with amazing characters in spite of me and my mistakes.
There are many things I want to do with those precious two and a half hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I would like to read more, sew more, paint more, write more.....but I know I probably shouldn't be too ambitious. I will probably vacuum the house and do the dishes. And that is okay. I will do that gladly. Right now, even to be able to vacuum alone is a treat. It's the quietness of the heart that I appreciate. It doesn't matter what I am doing. I hope that this will enable me to be a better mother also.