Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Not New Year's Resolution

I'm not a New Years resolution kinda person.  I run away from popular culture.  I want to be different.  I am a rebel at heart.   However, this time of the year, one is almost forced to reflect and hope.  

I have these new friends.  They are people who have dreamed and conquered the fear and made dreams come to fulfillment.  Big dreams.  Not like 'save up and buy new shoes' dreams, but 'let's travel around the world' kinda dreams.  

The kind of people I'm drawn to are fearless, counter cultural and they are not afraid to play their own tunes.  I'd like to think i'm like that, but in reality, I'm not.  I'm a dreamer.  I dream lots of impossible dreams.  I don't get discouraged or jealous.  I can easily let them go.  I'd say, 'well, if I quit dreaming, that's when I really should be concerned'.   But then, I realized that's my excuse for actually not conquering fear and seeing my dreams come true.   In reality, I'm a person filled with fear.  I'm not ambitious.  I make excuses.   I can also say, I let go easily.  I don't envy.  I go with the flow.  But our best traits can be our biggest enemies.   

Money.  Most dreams come with price tags.  We need money to fulfill our dreams.  Thought of money paralyzes me.  We've never really suffered and always had a comfortable life.  But we've never had much excess.   Since moving to the island, we've never traveled off the island as a family.  Realistically, to get off the island to a destination for a week cost us about $500 just in ferries, gas and kennel boarding for Penny.  That thought honestly paralyzes me.  So, I sit.  I'm content though.  I don't envy others who have Air Miles and the wings to fly.  

Sometimes, I've mistaken my lack of ambition and "giving up on my dreams" to my state of contentment.   

I need the balance.  

I need to see myself at the edge of a cliff and actually jump off.  

More often.  

That very thought scares the hell out of me.  

But I need to do it.  

Because life is short and I don't want to regret. Such a cliché but so true.  And if you knew me at all, I hate cliché.  


So, here is my list.  My hopes.  My heart.  These may not come to fulfillment for 10 more years or never, but I want to move towards them, little by little.  

1.  I want to be happy with myself.  At peace.  I want to be happy and not self-conscious when being photographed.  This is a big one for me.  I'm extremely uncomfortable in my own skin.  I'm that girl in size 6 jeans who sees an ugly reflection in the mirror.  

2. I want to travel. With my family.  I thought, one summer, we can pack up and drive across this beautiful country.  I live on the west end, so the only logical thing to do is to see the other end.  I also want to see Italy, Spain and Greece.  My idea of traveling though is backpacks, hiking shoes, baguette, cheese and wine on the beach and hostels.    

3. I want to get an education.  I have talents.  I have a heart.  I just don't have that piece of paper to get me the right job.  Educational assistant course is an 18 months course.  Then, I can then finally do what I've invested my life for the last 15 years. And I can quit killing myself with 4 part time jobs.  

4. I want to have an active life style.  We live in such a beautiful place.  I've seen the glimpse of the joy I get from mountain biking, jogging, hiking and kayaking etc.  I want to do those things more often.  

5.  I want to 'do' the West Coast Trail.  This one, at least doesn't cost me the $200 on ferries.  :). 

6. I want to appreciate and treasure my family.  I have a good husband and incredible kids.  I take them for granted.  

7.  I want to look back and see a changed person in me.  Every day.  And see that I've done something to bring these changes and to move closer to dreams coming true.    

I think that's plenty for now.  Time to get off my ass and actually do something.  Here is to a brighter future! 

Happy New Year to you all!  

3 comments:

Krista said...

I think that all sounds lovely...not that it matters what I think :) But if you need someone to go on an adventure with you, you know I'm your gal!

Margaret Paine said...

Wow. Some of my same many dreams and thoughts you express in your planting an acorn. Each seed planted in a journey will be a harvest of you and your talents. I once had no money and was homeless. I used a bike to get around and took buses and had little but did much. where there is a will and feet to go, you can begin. So wonderful to hear from your heart. love Rose

Margaret Paine said...

I so appreciate your writing from your heart and I have had those same goals to travel and do my talents. I was a teacher assistant and did much education. At one time, I was homeless and had not more than 1.86 American and had a little bike and traveled around the N. Fork of the Santiam...living on Bible vs of all these things will be given unto you. I volunteered at concerts....went with my daughter to do photo journalism in Wyoming and took a tour of Wild Mustangs. I have done most of my goals...You can. Stepping out is the hardest.