Funny how a 2 minute online chat with your best friend can release the emotions you didn't know you had locked away for so long. I wrote, "I miss you". Those three simple words I have said over and over the last 2 years since moving here to so many people. Tears filled my eyes. My eyes are burning and I can barely breathe.
Some say, moving and divorce are two of the most stressful things in life. I didn't believe it. For a long time. The move has been easy. Things have fallen into places. We have a good little life here. But maybe, just maybe, I have some unfinished business tucked away in the corner of my heart.
When I am alone, the silence is deafening. I hear the clock ticking away oblivious to my annoyance. I feel the emptiness of the house once filled with laughter of friends. I then, allow myself to think and feel the times when my heart felt full. I love thinking about sitting in Ranae's kitchen while she works her culinary magic. I love the way how she made me the tea just the way I like it without asking. I love thinking about Alicia, just stopping by to give me a hug which always turned into 2 more hours of heart-to-heart talk. Her very presence makes my heart feel the warmth. I love the way I felt sitting across from Bonnah, because it is as though our hearts beat as one. I can go on thinking of each person who have left their footprints on my heart ever so lovingly throughout my life. It's the familiarity and the people who became part of your every day. Being understood and being thought of. This makes my heart full. "Give it time", "Keep trying. You were there for 20 years". For Scott and I, who have never lived close to either of our families, friends become family. Not to replace them, but because we all need to feel connected and to care and to be cared about like families do in our every day.
I know I can't focus on what's been lost. That will destroy my very soul. I am grateful for the new day. New mornings. New day for new connections. New day for deeper friendships. I told my kids, "there are good people everywhere we go. Just remember that and keep trying". It's my turn to listen to my own words.
"Grateful for awkward new friendships, because they are hope for the days ahead."--something I wrote on thanksgiving this year. I may have to carve it on my heart every day.
5 comments:
Believe me, I know how you feel. That song we sang as children: "Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold." Here's to golden friendships!
I was prepared for it this time. But the first time it almost destroyed me. You aren't really alone and it gets better my far away friend. give yourself a couple of years. I miss you so much.
I have been going through much as my dad is about to leave this world. The thought makes me feel very lonely and also my feelings are right on top. I can cry easily and for that I am grateful but it annoys others who are not there and dont know how to comfort me. I know it is a sense of loneliness and a sense of loss and a true sense of love which wells up inside...a closeness like you are expressing here and now the tears come easily which some are not aware of and dont understand. Your writing brings me more awareness here of what I am feeling. Thank you. It is love and loss and memories of true closeness and missing that.
I'm so grateful you are a ferry ride away, dear Paula! Though it's not the same as sharing a garden, sharing our every day. I look forward to those weekends away with you! Love you so much, my friend for life!!!
Oh Lola! How did we end up on the opposite ends of our vast country!?
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